above the cold sky shone
by Laura x Tennant
Summary: After the events that saw Mickey leave the TARDIS, Rose feels terribly guilty. She and the Doctor have an important talk, and he comforts her.


"You disappeared," the Doctor said quietly from behind her.

Rose flinched, startled, then turned her head to look at him. He was frowning deeply, his hands shoved into his trouser pockets. He looked concerned - a little hurt, too, maybe. She couldn't seem to stop hurting people these days. "Sorry," she mumbled, and went back to looking across the London landscape. She was sitting up on the roof of her mum's building, shivering in her thin blue top.

Pulling the long sleeves over her hands to warm her numb fingers, she coughed to clear her throat and tried again. "Sorry. I just needed some peace and quiet. Mum isn't…she's not taking it too well, the thought of never seeing Mickey again."

A hand settled on her shoulder, gave a squeeze. "Can I join you? Promise I won't make too much noise."

Her breath hitched and she blinked back tears. "Yeah," she exhaled shakily.

The Doctor settled in beside her on the ledge. "We can sit here as long as you want. And…" He hesitated, squinting into the distance. She watched him out of the corner of her eye, saw him nod to himself, just slightly. "And you can say as much or as little as you want, and I'll just listen."

Rose snorted. "You? Listen and not talk?"

He met her eyes, and she shivered. "Yes." He paused, then shrugged off his coat, draping it over her shoulders, tugging it around her front. When Rose's hand came up to hold the two halves in place, her fingers brushed his. His hands went to his lap, linking together, but his touch still lingered on her skin.

"I don't know what to say," she whispered.

"That's okay."

A lump came to her throat and she swallowed against it, determined. She couldn't waste this chance he was offering her. A chance to air out her feelings without interruption. "I…I feel sick with guilt."

His head snapped around to look at her again. "What?"

"He's a billion miles away and he's never coming back and that's my fault."

"He made his choice - "

"Doctor. I pushed him to it. He just - he just _left_, all this, his whole life and his friends and everything, to live as _Ricky._ He's gonna be living someone else's life - in their shadow - forever. All because he felt like he didn't belong with us."

"That's not your fault."

She rolled her eyes. "Of course it is. It's _our_ fault."

The Doctor inhaled deeply. "Ah."

"I should've treated him better. And you shouldn't have invited him along, not if all we were gonna do was rub it in his face that we're, I dunno, whatever it is we are."

"Did Jackie say that to you?"

Rose sniffed, and fidgeted, bringing the fabric of his coat higher around her neck, shielding herself from the breeze that had picked up. "Not in so many words. But it's what she meant."

"Your mother's just upset, that's all. She didn't intend to _blame_ you, Rose."

"I know."

They were silent for a minute. The Doctor shifted a couple of inches closer to her, his arm pressing up against hers.

"I'm gonna miss him," she said.

"Yes."

Worrying her bottom lip with her teeth, Rose debated whether she should say what she felt so guilty for even thinking.

"Rose?" he prompted, and she knew he sensed there was more she wanted to admit.

It came out in a murmur. "Not as much as I should."

"Hmm?"

"I'm gonna miss him, but it won't be as much as I should. You'll sweep me off again and in a week I'll be on some planet staring at a different coloured sky and eating weird food and I dunno, dancing at some alien festival and I'll forget."

"Forget what?"

"To be sad. To miss him. To feel guilty."

"Oh, Rose. He's gonna be all right. Brilliant, even! And he'll make a new life for himself and be happy. You're allowed to do that too."

"And what about Mum? Here, all on her own. God. Why do I keep doing this? Hurting her?"

She felt him stiffen beside her. Closing her eyes, she tilted her head, resting it on his shoulder, but he didn't relax.

His voice was very low and stripped of emotion when he asked, "Are you saying you want to stay here?"

"No."

"Because if you want me to leave - "

"_No,_" she repeated, more firmly, lifting her head to look at him. His expression was carefully neutral. "I want to be with you. It's just hard, that's all. Knowing what I'm doing to Mum."

"You can't live your life for someone else, Rose."

"I know."

"She wants you to be happy."

"Yeah."

"You are, aren't you? Happy with me."

Rose smiled sadly.

"I mean, I expect you're not right in this moment. But, generally. Yes?" he amended hastily.

She nodded. "Course."

Wrapping his arm around her shoulders, he drew her into his side, resting his cheek on top of her head. "Good."

Rose cuddled into him, cosy in his coat, warm with the blush that came to her face when she felt him drop a kiss to her hair. "It's gonna be all right, isn't it?" she whispered.

"It really is."

"And that's okay."

"I promise you, Rose," he replied quietly, holding her close, "It's absolutely okay to be more than all right."

After a few minutes of silence, Rose started to feel chilly again. The sky had darkened since she'd come up here, and cold air kept sneaking up her trouser legs. "I think I'd like to go inside, now."

They stood, and Rose smiled up at him gratefully. "Thanks for the chat."

He tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear. "Anytime."

"I'm gonna keep this for now," she said, tugging his coat closer around her. "Didn't realise how cold it had got. You all right in just that?" She gestured to his jacket.

"I'm fine." He smiled at her. "You look…cute. In that." He waved his hand at his coat. "Like you're playing dress up."

Rose laughed, and took his hand as they made their way across the roof to the stairs. "Ta." She looked down. "It's not dragging on the floor is it? Don't want to ruin it."

"It's all right."

By the time they'd reached the flat, the hand the Doctor held in his had warmed up, and she wriggled it in his grasp, enjoying the fact that feeling was returning to her fingers. He let go, misunderstanding her movement, and she bit her lip, hiding her smile. Once she'd opened the door, she grabbed his hand again, leading him over to the sofa.

Her Mum wasn't in the living room; Rose suspected she might have gone to bed already, an early night to come to terms with the fact she wouldn't see her friend again. Because this year, he'd been that, for Jackie. In spite of the rocky year when she'd thought he'd murdered her daughter, he'd been there for her when Rose hadn't been, and vice versa. They'd become so close. Rose sighed at the thought.

"We'll have to visit her more, I think," Rose said carefully, settling down on the sofa. "Would that be okay, Doctor?"

He immediately resumed their cuddling position from the roof. "Yep."

"Really? You wouldn't mind?"

"Rose, there are many things I'd put myself through for you. Spending time with your mother is, surprisingly, one of the more pleasant scenarios."

She raised her eyebrows. "I _think_ that's a good thing?"

"Oh it is, Rose," he smiled, kissing the top of her head again. She didn't blush this time. "It's a very good thing."

"Do you think…" She trailed off.

"Hmm? Think what?"

"Do you think there could've been something to tempt you to stay? In that parallel world."

"Nah. The TARDIS couldn't fly in that universe. And obviously, your mother's here. We're far better off - "

She shifted out of his embrace, drawing her legs up underneath her to look at him properly. "No, I don't mean me, or us, I mean _you_, is there something in that universe that could've tempted you? Gingerbread house, you said, and it worked that way for Mickey, I s'pose, his Gran still being alive there and all. And even though I wouldn't have stayed really, wouldn't have left my Mum, seeing that parallel Dad - Pete - it threw me for a loop."

The Doctor, his forehead wrinkled in thought, gave a shrug. "I suppose - well, if you'd - I could hardly have left you there, if you'd decided to stay, could I? I mean - you wouldn't have wanted me to leave. We've established that, now, tonight. Right?"

"Yeah, but you - you couldn't have stayed. Not without a working TARDIS."

"You asked me what could tempt me. And I've told you."

She swallowed hard. "Me?"

"Well, yes. Obviously." They stared at each other for a few seconds, and then he hurried on, "But it's all a moot point, anyway. We're here. Home, now."

"Together," Rose murmured.

He smiled. "Yeah."

"I wish Mum could find someone. It'd do her the world of good, I reckon, to have someone here for her in that way. For company, love…all that."

"Howard didn't work out, then?"

"Nope." She sighed heavily. "He wasn't right for her, anyway."

"She'll find someone, one day. Mark my words."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." He stroked his hand down her arm. "You look tired. Bedtime?"

"Mmm. Yeah, good idea." Rose stood up and stretched, the Doctor's coat falling off her shoulders as she did. He caught it as he stood, and draped it over the back of the sofa.

"Are you gonna…er, that is, do you want to - to stay in your bedroom here, tonight? Or…"

"I'm sleeping on the TARDIS. Much comfier mattress."

"Right," he nodded, carding his hand through his hair. "So you'll do that, then. Sleep in your bedroom on the TARDIS. And I'll sleep in my bedroom on the TARDIS. And then we'll have breakfast with your Mum tomorrow and you can see how you feel. We can stay for as long as you want. Or we could go somewhere else. Up to you. But yes, for now, bed - "

"Doctor?"

He tugged on his ear. "Yeah?"

"Don't take this the wrong way, but would you mind joining me tonight? In my room? I'd feel - better. If you were there. Just for tonight."

The Doctor rocked back on his heels and nodded, so quickly that Rose had to bite back a giggle. "Yes, of course. No problemo!"

"You sure?" she asked, because she knew he was but she wanted to hear him say it.

"Absolutely." He beamed at her and held out the crook of his elbow for her to link her arm around. She did, and they went into the TARDIS.

Later, after Rose had persuaded the Doctor to join her beneath the covers in her bed, they lay facing one another in their pyjamas, so close that they were sharing a pillow. The Doctor's hand came to rest on her waist, his thumb stroking in a soothing motion, and warmth spread through her at the tender expression he wore.

"I know it's ridiculous but I had this horrible feeling today that you didn't need me," he blurted out, disrupting the calm.

Rose was surprised. "How do you mean?"

He shrugged a shoulder, lifting the duvet slightly with the movement. "When we got back, and you went to Jackie for comfort. I mean, of course you did, she's your mum - why wouldn't you? Who wouldn't want to go to the person who's been there for them their whole life? After something like that. Especially since the parallel Jackie…" He let out a long breath. "And before, with Pete, you and him teaming up. It's daft, I've got no right thinking it, but I felt like I was losing you. All day, and then tonight - I don't know. I don't know. I was terrified, and I don't know why. I mean, I know _why_, but - I'm going to stop talking. I'm not making much sense. Sorry. It's just - "

"Hey," Rose said softly, shifting closer, placing her hand on his chest, between his thumping hearts. He rolled onto his back, dislodging her touch, removing his hand from her hip, and stared up at the ceiling. Rose bit her lip, and waited.

"I hated the thought that you might think… that you couldn't. Come to me for comfort, that is. Or - that it wasn't what you needed. That _I_ wasn't what you needed. Or that I'm unreliable, or - "

"Doctor, shh," she interrupted, her arm reaching across his torso, her hand supporting her as she moved to hold herself over him, looking down into his eyes. "I know the feeling, you know. These last couple of weeks, I've felt that way. That I might not be what _you_ need."

Her hair was hanging down around his face, and he blew at a strand that was dangling over his cheek. "Rose. You're…" He trailed off, and she watched as his Adam's apple bobbed. He opened his arms, and she sank into them, shifting her leg between both of his. A week ago, a day ago, and she would have felt self-conscious about laying on top of him in such a way - inappropriate, even. But there was something about this evening, this day, that had opened them up more than usual. Or perhaps it had stitched back together something that had torn apart in the week since France.

His arms were heavy across her back, holding her tightly to him; her head tucked beneath his chin, her nose brushing his collarbone.

"What are we, Doctor? Really?" she whispered, and she felt a shiver run through his chest into hers. Her heart hurt in that moment, that tiny shudder inducing a sliver of insecurity, but then, he made it melt.

His hand stroked down her spine and settled in her lower back. "It matters, doesn't it? Putting a name to it. It matters to you. Especially now that Mickey's gone, especially given that it's our fault." She nodded against his chest. "It's not just a human thing, that; the desire for labels and security and certainty. Words, and vows, and meaning them. It's not particularly a Time Lord way of going about it, but secretly - and you mustn't breathe a word of this to anyone, Rose Tyler - secretly I don't feel like doing things in a Time Lord way anymore. But the truth is, I don't know. I don't know what we are, because I don't know how we've become this. I've not - it's not something I'm overly familiar with. And that used to terrify me, how we've just kept getting closer and closer and…"

Rose swallowed. "And now?"

"Oh, it still does. But mainly it just makes me feel…" He let out a whoosh of breath.

"Warm," Rose whispered.

"Yeah." He chuckled. "Can you tell I'm blushing even though you're not looking at me?"

Rose lifted her head and saw that his cheeks were, indeed, faintly pink. She smiled, a tongue-touched thing that grew wider when his eyes flickered down to look at her lips. "I couldn't tell, nope."

"Oh." He paused. "Maybe I should've kept that quiet then."

"You don't need to be embarrassed. I blush all the time."

"I know. It's quite fetching on you."

"Shut up," she laughed, with a light smack to his chest. He caught her hand in his, and brought her fingers to his mouth, kissing the backs of them. She pressed her lips together in a shy smile. "I like this. Having you in my bed."

"Apparently I _am_ your bed currently," he pointed out. "When you said you had a comfier mattress on the TARDIS, I didn't think you meant me."

"Ha, ha," she said, rolling her eyes. She shifted to her knees to get off him, but he pulled her back down again.

"Didn't say I didn't like it. If you're comfy, stay."

She grinned, laying her head back down on his chest, and his fingers went to her hair, stroking absently. "I am pretty comfy. Here with you."

"Stay forever, then."

"You meant it, didn't you," she murmured. "When you said I could spend the rest of my life with you."

"Did you doubt it?"

A few seconds passed in silence. "For a bit, after. Not anymore."

"We've solved it, then. What we are."

"Yeah." She smiled. "Yeah, maybe we have."


End file.
